Here are some tech support conversations we found at a Web site in Scotland: . We couldn’t resist.

1: Tech Support: I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.

Customer: OK.

Tech: Did you get a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech: OK, sir. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech: OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up to this point?

Customer: Sure. You told me to write “click,” but nothing happened.

2: Customer: Hello. I can’t get on the network.

Tech: OK, just read me your network asset number.

Customer: What is that?

Tech: It’s a bar code label on the front of your computer.

Customer: OK. There’s a big bar, then a little bar, then big bar, big bar …

3: Customer: The disk was stuck in the drive and wouldn’t come out. So I got these pliers and tried to pull it out, but that didn’t work either.

Tech: You did what, sir?

Customer: I got these pliers and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic.

Tech: I don’t understand, sir. Did you push the eject button?

Customer: No. I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster to squirt the butter into the drive. That got the disk loose. Then I used the pliers, and it came out fine. I can’t believe you would send me a disk that was broken and defective like that.

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